You should probably know if this is you:
I only want thing from you besides your friendship: acknowledgment. I want you to acknowledge that I am an actual human fucking being. I want you to see me as a person with human desires: mental, sexual, and emotional. I want to not to be seen as silly little Buck, with his failings and nerve issues and other things you can laugh about me. I want you to see me as Brendan; I want you to see the guy who knows all the books you should be reading, all the television you should be watching, and all the video games you should be playing. I want you to see the guy who is creative and writes stories and knows his way through the literary scene in Chicago. I want to be seen as competent.
I acknowledge that you'll never see me as a lover. I don't expect you too. I just want you to take me seriously.
Love, Brendan.
Monday, July 18, 2011
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
Light Boasting
Been busy as of late, so I never got started on that 30 day challenge. I'll probably start it over break. In the meantime, I'll fill a bit of space over here.
The current thought I have is one about hearing people talk about how great things are. It's not a bad thing. Really. I know if I had a cool girlfriend, or even a really fun fuck buddy, I'd be talking about it too, and I know my friends would like to hear. Most of them, anyways.
The only problem about hearing someone else talk about their haves, is that it reminds one of his or her have nots. Sometimes that isn't a problem, to a degree. But you don't go up to a starving man and talk about, in detail, this juicy fucking steak you just got done eating. It's just fucking rude, you know?
But as I said, I'm cool with the happy boasting, to a certain point. Actually cool past the point I get intimate details of one's sexual life. I need this shit for writing stories, after all, and if I'm not getting it at the time, I need to get it from somewhere. However, when I'm going through a drought, and you just can't shut up about what great sex you're having, while completely ignoring anything I mention about how my sex life is or isn't, even saying "idgaf" in response to bits I add in, all while continuing down your merry road of how much fucking this guy makes your life awesome, and then top it off by mentioning how you shouldn't be talking about this because you might give me the wrong idea? Well, I have reason to be a little annoyed. Not too annoyed, especially if that person in specific is reading, and I know she does from time to time, but annoyed nonetheless.
However, looking back at the last four paragraphs and the reason I wrote them, I have to say the boasting part actually isn't the thing that bothers me. (I shall repeat it's both entertaining and informative.) The thing that annoys me is how one sided it all is. You can talk about your triumphs and failures, but the moment I say a thing about mine, we've hit the mystical land of "idgaf". I know I'm the kind of guy who listens, but why is it when I try to get listened to, I get stonewalled? Either way, I'll still listen, it's both my nature and my trade, but maybe you should think about occasionally returning the courtesy.
PS: This rant also applies to money, you rich fucking bastards.
The current thought I have is one about hearing people talk about how great things are. It's not a bad thing. Really. I know if I had a cool girlfriend, or even a really fun fuck buddy, I'd be talking about it too, and I know my friends would like to hear. Most of them, anyways.
The only problem about hearing someone else talk about their haves, is that it reminds one of his or her have nots. Sometimes that isn't a problem, to a degree. But you don't go up to a starving man and talk about, in detail, this juicy fucking steak you just got done eating. It's just fucking rude, you know?
But as I said, I'm cool with the happy boasting, to a certain point. Actually cool past the point I get intimate details of one's sexual life. I need this shit for writing stories, after all, and if I'm not getting it at the time, I need to get it from somewhere. However, when I'm going through a drought, and you just can't shut up about what great sex you're having, while completely ignoring anything I mention about how my sex life is or isn't, even saying "idgaf" in response to bits I add in, all while continuing down your merry road of how much fucking this guy makes your life awesome, and then top it off by mentioning how you shouldn't be talking about this because you might give me the wrong idea? Well, I have reason to be a little annoyed. Not too annoyed, especially if that person in specific is reading, and I know she does from time to time, but annoyed nonetheless.
However, looking back at the last four paragraphs and the reason I wrote them, I have to say the boasting part actually isn't the thing that bothers me. (I shall repeat it's both entertaining and informative.) The thing that annoys me is how one sided it all is. You can talk about your triumphs and failures, but the moment I say a thing about mine, we've hit the mystical land of "idgaf". I know I'm the kind of guy who listens, but why is it when I try to get listened to, I get stonewalled? Either way, I'll still listen, it's both my nature and my trade, but maybe you should think about occasionally returning the courtesy.
PS: This rant also applies to money, you rich fucking bastards.
Sunday, February 20, 2011
30 Day Challenge
Lately I've been looking for ways to get myself to write on this blog more regularly. For example, yesterday I was thinking about doing a game where I sum up my week in the form of a TVtropes article, but I found that to be a bit too time consuming, nor do I think everyone would get the joke. Even worse, I found the whole process to be a little egotistical, so I decided not even to post the one I half completed. Besides, when I was looking at my friend Behn's tumblr page I found an idea that was way cooler.
Behn:
Not only would this exercise be more illuminating about myself, it would keep me blogging on a daily basis. I can't wait to get started on it, which would be later today if I get the chance. (Only reason I'm not starting this challenge right now is because I have a manuscript to edit. Work before play, after all.) I might skip a step or two, but overall this should be pretty cool.
Behn:
hotdogitsemily:
Tumblr 30 Day Letter Challenge. • •Day 1 — Your Best Friend
•Day 2 — Your Crush
•Day 3 — Your parents
•Day 4 — Your sibling (or closest relative)
•Day 5 — Your dreams
•Day 6 — A stranger
•Day 7 — Your Ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/love/crush
•Day 8 — Your favorite internet friend
•Day 9 — Someone you wish you could meet
•Day 10 — Someone you don’t talk to as much as you’d like to
•Day 11 — A Deceased person you wish you could talk to
•Day 12 — The person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain
•Day 13 — Someone you wish could forgive you
•Day 14 — Someone you’ve drifted away from
•Day 15 — The person you miss the most
•Day 16 — Someone that’s not in your state/country
•Day 17 — Someone from your childhood
•Day 18 — The person that you wish you could be
•Day 19 — Someone that pesters your mind—good or bad
•Day 20 — The one that broke your heart the hardest
•Day 21 — Someone you judged by their first impression
•Day 22 — Someone you want to give a second chance to
•Day 23 — The last person you kissed
•Day 24 — The person that gave you your favorite memory
•Day 25 — The person you know that is going through the worst of times
•Day 26 — The last person you made a pinky promise to
•Day 27 — The friendliest person you knew for only one day
•Day 28 — Someone that changed your life
•Day 29 — The person that you want tell everything to, but too afraid to
•Day 30 — Your reflection in the mirror
Not only would this exercise be more illuminating about myself, it would keep me blogging on a daily basis. I can't wait to get started on it, which would be later today if I get the chance. (Only reason I'm not starting this challenge right now is because I have a manuscript to edit. Work before play, after all.) I might skip a step or two, but overall this should be pretty cool.
Monday, February 14, 2011
Doctor Strangebuck (Or How I Learned to Love Valentine’s Day)
The last time I wrote on this dear blog of mine, I was a bit lonely and very, very whiny. Since then a lot of things have happened and while I don’t have a girlfriend still, I’ve dealt with a lot of the emotional problems that caused me to be so lonely back then. Also I got laid, which was pretty awesome, and redeemed sex for me. So I’d like to think I’ve matured over the past four months, to the point that I really don’t care what day today is.
You see, the past Brendan would have entered this day feeling super depressed. I would have walked around seeing all the lovers here and there looking all lovey dovey and jealously would have filled my being. I would have been depressed on being single and spent the day beating myself up. If I was feeling in a particularly writey mood, I would have posted a little emo diatribe about how evil this holiday is and how it made me feel all depressed and shit. Because it did make me depressed for a long time, including the year I wasn’t single.
But I simply don’t care anymore. This day fails to inspire the feelings it used to. And I don’t mean in a, “I feel sorta dead kind of way.” Valentine’s Day just doesn’t piss me off anymore. It’s just another day. A day where chocolate prices might be marked up to stupidly high levels, maybe, but it balances it out when the day afterward chocolate is deliciously cheap. It’s consumerism for the sake of consumerism masked under the auspices of love. As simply that, the holiday works and if that product actually gives someone, anyone joy, why get all jelly?
So when I see people getting all down about this consumerist holiday, I now have to ask, “Why?” It’s not like this holiday is actually about love. It’s about love in a heart shaped box that has “Fannie May” written on it. But I know the answer; it’s because the holiday reminds lonely people how lonely they are. The reason this day doesn’t bother me is that I don’t feel lonely anymore. I don’t need someone to be happy anymore. Perhaps if those lonelyhearts could learn what I’ve learned, maybe V-Day wouldn’t hurt them either.
You see, the past Brendan would have entered this day feeling super depressed. I would have walked around seeing all the lovers here and there looking all lovey dovey and jealously would have filled my being. I would have been depressed on being single and spent the day beating myself up. If I was feeling in a particularly writey mood, I would have posted a little emo diatribe about how evil this holiday is and how it made me feel all depressed and shit. Because it did make me depressed for a long time, including the year I wasn’t single.
But I simply don’t care anymore. This day fails to inspire the feelings it used to. And I don’t mean in a, “I feel sorta dead kind of way.” Valentine’s Day just doesn’t piss me off anymore. It’s just another day. A day where chocolate prices might be marked up to stupidly high levels, maybe, but it balances it out when the day afterward chocolate is deliciously cheap. It’s consumerism for the sake of consumerism masked under the auspices of love. As simply that, the holiday works and if that product actually gives someone, anyone joy, why get all jelly?
So when I see people getting all down about this consumerist holiday, I now have to ask, “Why?” It’s not like this holiday is actually about love. It’s about love in a heart shaped box that has “Fannie May” written on it. But I know the answer; it’s because the holiday reminds lonely people how lonely they are. The reason this day doesn’t bother me is that I don’t feel lonely anymore. I don’t need someone to be happy anymore. Perhaps if those lonelyhearts could learn what I’ve learned, maybe V-Day wouldn’t hurt them either.
Thursday, October 14, 2010
Change
Sometimes I wonder if I am the emotional equivalent of a hobo. It would make a lot of sense. I am among the emotionally needy. I am constantly begging for love from any source I think I can get it. I want a lot of love, enough love that it's suffocating.
Yet to those I beg, I am repulsive. People resist giving me their love to the point they are willing to be rude to do so. They spit at me, or hide their wall from me on Facebook, or call me emo even when they've been telling me how they want to fuck other guys while still with me. (Guess which of the three didn't happen to me.) Or sometimes they'll say sweet words of rejection to me because they have nothing else. If I'm lucky, I'll get a little love, but not nearly enough.
People say that instead of begging, there is something I must acquire. For the hobo it's a job, but for me they say I need to get self confidence. I say to get self confidence I'll need a little love to get me on my feet, it's proof that I'm not a total loser. But they refuse to hear it. To get love, I need self confidence; self confidence, love.
So lovelies, could I have some change?
Yet to those I beg, I am repulsive. People resist giving me their love to the point they are willing to be rude to do so. They spit at me, or hide their wall from me on Facebook, or call me emo even when they've been telling me how they want to fuck other guys while still with me. (Guess which of the three didn't happen to me.) Or sometimes they'll say sweet words of rejection to me because they have nothing else. If I'm lucky, I'll get a little love, but not nearly enough.
People say that instead of begging, there is something I must acquire. For the hobo it's a job, but for me they say I need to get self confidence. I say to get self confidence I'll need a little love to get me on my feet, it's proof that I'm not a total loser. But they refuse to hear it. To get love, I need self confidence; self confidence, love.
So lovelies, could I have some change?
Friday, August 20, 2010
Grumpy pants
Today on Facebook I logged in to see that one acquaintance of mine had changed their status to "married". Knowing she isn't married, this annoys the living fuck out of me. But the question is, why?
My natural inclination is to say this: "Okay, look, this is basically making your relationship look more substantive than it really is." Particularly, this couple has been dating for a half of a year at best, so to me it seems gaudy to me that they'd even joke about marriage. So I say, "Look kids, you're about several years off from this, at least."
But then again, that isn't the REAL reason I'm annoyed.
While there is a lot of truth to what I'd like to say, the crux of the matter is that this time last year, I was the one with the blinders on. I was, for all extents and purposes, as puppy-eyed for Shanndra. We were the ones who were happily dreaming about marriage and a seemingly endless future together. But then everything went to shit, and I was hurt harder then I've been since my childhood.
So what's really happened is that I've gotten incredibly cynical. Instead of taking it as a cute gesture, I get angry since because I have problems with the concept of that kind of relationship lasting. That kind of romantic love didn't last for me right? So why would it, or should it, last for anyone else?
My natural inclination is to say this: "Okay, look, this is basically making your relationship look more substantive than it really is." Particularly, this couple has been dating for a half of a year at best, so to me it seems gaudy to me that they'd even joke about marriage. So I say, "Look kids, you're about several years off from this, at least."
But then again, that isn't the REAL reason I'm annoyed.
While there is a lot of truth to what I'd like to say, the crux of the matter is that this time last year, I was the one with the blinders on. I was, for all extents and purposes, as puppy-eyed for Shanndra. We were the ones who were happily dreaming about marriage and a seemingly endless future together. But then everything went to shit, and I was hurt harder then I've been since my childhood.
So what's really happened is that I've gotten incredibly cynical. Instead of taking it as a cute gesture, I get angry since because I have problems with the concept of that kind of relationship lasting. That kind of romantic love didn't last for me right? So why would it, or should it, last for anyone else?
Sunday, August 15, 2010
Pardon My Dust
Since I dispelled those negative feelings through making them public, I have one request for you, the reader.
As anyone who is a regular reader of my work can contest, I'm really bad at self editing. I just read over my own words as how I want them to be, not how they actually are. So, dear reader, if you ever see a mistake, please don't be afraid to point it out. In fact, try reaching me by email at so I can fix my grammatical error for the good of all mankind.
I thank you in advance.
As anyone who is a regular reader of my work can contest, I'm really bad at self editing. I just read over my own words as how I want them to be, not how they actually are. So, dear reader, if you ever see a mistake, please don't be afraid to point it out. In fact, try reaching me by email at so I can fix my grammatical error for the good of all mankind.
I thank you in advance.
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