Sometimes I wonder if I am the emotional equivalent of a hobo. It would make a lot of sense. I am among the emotionally needy. I am constantly begging for love from any source I think I can get it. I want a lot of love, enough love that it's suffocating.
Yet to those I beg, I am repulsive. People resist giving me their love to the point they are willing to be rude to do so. They spit at me, or hide their wall from me on Facebook, or call me emo even when they've been telling me how they want to fuck other guys while still with me. (Guess which of the three didn't happen to me.) Or sometimes they'll say sweet words of rejection to me because they have nothing else. If I'm lucky, I'll get a little love, but not nearly enough.
People say that instead of begging, there is something I must acquire. For the hobo it's a job, but for me they say I need to get self confidence. I say to get self confidence I'll need a little love to get me on my feet, it's proof that I'm not a total loser. But they refuse to hear it. To get love, I need self confidence; self confidence, love.
So lovelies, could I have some change?
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Could be worse. I got shoved into the 'too much of a freak to easily love, but not enough of a freak to be exotic and therefore desirable' pigeonhole. Advice from someone clearly unqualified to give it: don't wear your heart on your sleeve. Causes nothing but trouble. (Also, long time, no contact)
ReplyDeleteYou don't get love by simply asking for it. You have to make a cognitive effort to change your ways in order to get a little love.
ReplyDeleteAnd if its that other kind of love, I know some nice hookers.
Long time no see indeed M. Anderson. How are things? Interesting blog, by the way.
ReplyDeleteBut in regards to your comment...well, I have learned the dangers of that. It does seem like the more about myself I lay on the table before I try to make a move, the less that one wants to date me. But in the long term, I still think that if I hide everything about myself that when it comes out it's only more likely to turn the person off. That I learned from my ex...who the moment she found out I was clumsy and nervous decided I was completely unattractive. So what's the point of hiding if it will all come out eventually.
Now to dear anon, I'm really quite curious who you are by the way, I realize that I need to get better, more confident and competent. But it's not like I'm someone with violent tendencies or something like that. What they hell is so wrong with me that makes me unworthy of love? That I need emotional support every once in while? That I'm socially awkward? Tell me sir/madam. I'm the kind of guy whose perfectly willing to give it to earn it, but why must I act like some alpha jock douchebag to get the chance?
Okay, perhaps that was a little bitter. But still I want anyone I go with to like me for me, not for some facade I created just to be with them.
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